I tried to be perfect, when do I give up?

I tried to be perfect my whole life.
I never wanted to disappoint my mother, my family, myself.
I did every club I could, every sport.
I studied my ass off.
I felt academically confident.
But physically, I was the fat girl. The fat volleyball player, soccer player, basketball player.
The fat friend.
The third wheel.
I found someone eventually but it ended and I never got over it, I thought no one could love me for me, no one can love this plus sized body.
And now I've grown, and of course I want the perfect body but who determines if the body is perfect? Society.
Society is telling me how to live my life. When do you I stop listening to society and lists to myself?

Jennifer Hudson, My Inspiration! 
She is soooooo gorgeous!
One day I will be as thin as her, and look just as great!

This is my goal Ladies && Gentlemen 

The thought of never eating meat again, leaves me on the fence. 

I've seen multiple  videos on the horrible treatment of animals and how they are slaughtered.

It disgusts me and i wont eat meat for weeks, but once I get that wiff of bacon. I'm back on the meat trail, I guess this shows the indulging of temptation. I've grown up on meat, on sweets, on grease , on BACON!

But I want to change my life style. I want to combine more physical activities with a greener leaner diet.

My goal is to be a size 8 by this time next year. Even if I'm not exactly a size 8, I will never give up I will keep pushing to be healthier, and leaner. The thought of being lean and fit is an ideal that society has instilled in my mind,  but i honestly feel like a thin girl stuck in this plus sized body. I don't hate myself like society tells me i should, but there are things i definitely want to change.

My thighs touch

My arms giggle

My stomach is not flat

My boobs are huge

My love handles have no love.

For weeks now I have resisted temptation, I have been craving pizza for weeks. My solution, a little bit of spaghetti sauce and rice. However I could make this healthier by making brown rice instead.

Today my roommate and I made Turkey Tacos! and They were soooo delicious.

My diet needs to be different to cater to my unusual high levels of Potassium.

I've realized, I'm not the most organized blogger so bare with me.

I have been bullied. I have been harassed. I have been rejected. I have been judged. I have been the fat friend all of my life.
But no longer.
I refuse to be that girl, that gives up on trying to loose weight. I love myself, it is so much harder to find someone to love me for who I am if they cant even get passed my size first to get to know me. Bigger girls are beautiful, but I don't want to be a bigger girl.
I want to show all those (excuse my language) Skinny bitches that judged me, that laughed at me, that mocked me, that bullied me, that  i will no longer be the fat friend. I will show any guy who was too embarrassed to date me based on my size, the guy who passed me up for my skinnier friend. the guy who rejected me because I was too "thick'. This is a GIANT FUCK YOU! (remember i said excuse my language)
 It is so sad that I have to conform to a society that belittles those who are different from the norm.
A society who sexualizes women and promotes eating disorders.

I will do this, i will loose weight and i will stick my middle finger up to all those girls & guys, You know who you are. You are not better than me.

I love myself for who I am now, and I will also love myself when I am thin. But don't you forget you must be real ugly inside if you have to put someone down to make yourself feel better.

This Blog is for me, this blog may also be for you. It may give you hope, inspiration, maybe a little laugh once in a while.

Remember, you are worthy of love no matter what size you are. However, if you are not happy. Change it. it wont be easy, but you can do it. Push yourself && most importantly love yourself.


- Kayla Jo